Migraines make me selfish

I can easily rattle off a list of symptoms and life changes that I have experienced since 11/28/2012... the day this "new normal" began.

Tonight it hit me.  The worst thing about this frigging condition is not the pain, loss of cognition or sense of self ..it's the F-in selfishness that comes along with it.

My husband , my children, my in laws, and my friends and my workplace take the brunt of it.  Work takes the least of the hit.  My colleagues likely don't feel it or see it that way but given the whole picture, I gauge everything I can do in order to keep my job and do it well enough so that I do justice to the children and community I serve and earn my salary.    I am blessed to have their support.  I also know that if Cleveland doesn't help, that my livelihood, and my family's main source of income and benefits is at risk. Support only lasts so long in the real world.  Work first. Out of necessity but also it keeps my ego and self of value to the professional world intact.  ----See?  That last part?  Selfish mixed in with the survival and the practical.

Kyle has taken taken the worst of it.. and I haven't been able to see the selfish except for a bit here and there Until tonight.    I don't mean the times he cares for the kids and runs the house as I'm leveled in the bedroom in excruciating pain.  Or most of the cleaning he does now because I can't tolerate the smell of cleaning solution or the sounds of dishes clanking.  The guy is living with someone who is ?forced? ...I haven't figure this out yet....to think of life in terms of it's impact on her and then make decisions.   NOT the woman he married.  And he's still here.

Tonight though, was THE Worst.  I am not a crier.  This time, though.  I did.   My eldest's asthma was triggered tonight.  Needed the ER.  I've missed a few of those trips but truly, I handle most of those as I am a control freak and I have the need to be there with her.  We do well together.    Tonight, I chose to stay home.  And when she asked me why, I thought...driving her there will make me vomit,  I'm dizzy and have no business driving a car, I have to show up for an 8am meeting and the next three days of work before I leave for Cleveland Clinic to keep my job,  if I sit in the flouescent lights until 3am,  I will likely end up hospitalized and then Kyle will REALLY have a mess on his hands.....

Instead I told her, I couldn't.  When she asked again, and again, with a face that tore my heart in two, I finally told her that it was because of my migraines and that if it was an emergency, that I would drop everything and be there.  And I meant it.

But not before I went through what it meant for me first.  And that's NOT who I was before 11/28/2012, who I have EVER been when it came to my kids' health, and how I ever want to be again.

The sun will come out.....

Made it through 3 weeks of work so far.  My family , friends, and colleagues, have been wonderful. 

I leave for Cleveland Clinic a week from today.  I learn more about migraines on a daily basis through study and experience.  Tough stuff, no lie.   Every single choice I make about what I eat, sleep, do or don't do, may or may not have an impact on how I feel the next moment.  It's a bit overwhelming.   The pain is wearing me down , bit by bit, day by day.  I'm ready for relief.  To make this go away..for some kind of healing to begin.  

I try not to show the kids but I'm not perfect at it.  I'm getting worried about being away from the kids and Kyle for so long.  They will be fine...that's not it.  Kyle can handle it all, will provide the kids fun experiences that only he can bring them as their dad.  He has an amazing family to support him and us in this.  My colleagues are feeding he and kids for the weeks I'm gone.  But, to be away from the people I love the most and that ground me.....  That's scary.  

Some fun news.... My latest distraction and love is a black Labrador Retriever rescue named Annie.  She's been with us two weeks now.  She's 5, has some health issues too and has bonded with the whole family, but me especially.  Where I go, she goes.  When I hurt, she's there...black furry chin on my knee or hip.  Usually snoring or looking at me with soulful brown eyes.  I've had dogs my whole life.  As adults, many of you knew Guinness and Scully.  I loved them.  But this is different...maybe because Annie and I needed each other.  Or maybe it's just in my head.  It doesn't really matter.  It works for me. 

I'll try and journal a bit when I get to Cleveland when I'm in the program.  Til then, take care, and carry on. 

K

Missy Elliot....

 "Work It'  is on replay in my head at the moment.  NO IDEA why.    Those of you who know the lyrics know why I'm not posting them.  (If my brother is reading this, he has, without a doubt by now launched into the song despite whomever is around him).  Other than the word "work" in the title there is absolutely no connection between the two.  Just goes to show where my head is at the moment.

Was off for 3+ weeks.  With winter break, I've been off for a grand total of  6 weeks.  None of my maternity leaves lasted this long!

So....Meeting with my boss and HR tomorrow.  They've been amazing.  They say that the neurological rehab I need to do in February is fine too.  Helps that I had the time built up.  It's just between now and then that I'm mostly worried about.  But...I'm going in determined not to grow those fears.  I'm going to stand on my own two feet , and going to show as little weakness as  possible no matter how much pain I'm in or whatever weirdo neuro symptoms decide to show up each day.   Unless I land back in an ER, I'm not showing anybody at work symptoms.  I don't want to give an inch more on my credibility. Not good health wise, but until February, I'm not sure what else to do.

So... I'm organizing my week.  Prepping my head.  And hoping I can sleep.  Brain , don't fail me now.

"is it worth it...let me work it.........."

Yeah, I know, the title.    Meaningful to likely No One but Me.  It's a favorite saying attributed to DaVinci...  " I love those who can smile in trouble..."  It's truly what I aspire to do and who I want to be.  I considered another quote from William Blake, "..for Light doth seize my brain with frantic pain."   It's also entirely appropriate but not nearly as lighthearted. 

December 1st.  Not a day without pain since then.  I'm grateful for the moments that I've been free or at least not thinking about it.  Today I had 2 hours in a row not thinking about or feeling pain.  It was amazing.  

Another day I'll be up for the details of this disease/illness called chronic migraine that I will always have and the neurological damage that has been done.  Tonight, though, I think, that I will celebrate the many simple, "typical" things I did today that allowed me to feel normal.  I will celebrate creating this blog.  I will quietly be grateful for 2 pain free, joyful hours spent at the animal shelter today with an animal that touched something deep in me and gave me a gift I hadn't experienced in almost 6 weeks.  120 minutes free of worry and pain.  I will be grateful for a husband who sets aside his own desire to not have ADT going on his life on the off chance having a dog again will bring me some measure of comfort. 

That's more than enough.