I can easily rattle off a list of symptoms and life changes that I have experienced since 11/28/2012... the day this "new normal" began.
Tonight it hit me. The worst thing about this frigging condition is not the pain, loss of cognition or sense of self ..it's the F-in selfishness that comes along with it.
My husband , my children, my in laws, and my friends and my workplace take the brunt of it. Work takes the least of the hit. My colleagues likely don't feel it or see it that way but given the whole picture, I gauge everything I can do in order to keep my job and do it well enough so that I do justice to the children and community I serve and earn my salary. I am blessed to have their support. I also know that if Cleveland doesn't help, that my livelihood, and my family's main source of income and benefits is at risk. Support only lasts so long in the real world. Work first. Out of necessity but also it keeps my ego and self of value to the professional world intact. ----See? That last part? Selfish mixed in with the survival and the practical.
Kyle has taken taken the worst of it.. and I haven't been able to see the selfish except for a bit here and there Until tonight. I don't mean the times he cares for the kids and runs the house as I'm leveled in the bedroom in excruciating pain. Or most of the cleaning he does now because I can't tolerate the smell of cleaning solution or the sounds of dishes clanking. The guy is living with someone who is ?forced? ...I haven't figure this out yet....to think of life in terms of it's impact on her and then make decisions. NOT the woman he married. And he's still here.
Tonight though, was THE Worst. I am not a crier. This time, though. I did. My eldest's asthma was triggered tonight. Needed the ER. I've missed a few of those trips but truly, I handle most of those as I am a control freak and I have the need to be there with her. We do well together. Tonight, I chose to stay home. And when she asked me why, I thought...driving her there will make me vomit, I'm dizzy and have no business driving a car, I have to show up for an 8am meeting and the next three days of work before I leave for Cleveland Clinic to keep my job, if I sit in the flouescent lights until 3am, I will likely end up hospitalized and then Kyle will REALLY have a mess on his hands.....
Instead I told her, I couldn't. When she asked again, and again, with a face that tore my heart in two, I finally told her that it was because of my migraines and that if it was an emergency, that I would drop everything and be there. And I meant it.
But not before I went through what it meant for me first. And that's NOT who I was before 11/28/2012, who I have EVER been when it came to my kids' health, and how I ever want to be again.
